1. You know your ugly ass is fat, too. What's the best pizza place in Chicago -- Giordano's? Gino's East? Or something else?
Pizza? Feh. I may be fat and ugly, but I don't have to act like a goddamned teenager, too. Instead of stuffing my face with pizza, I take the slightly more upscale route of stuffing it with pasta. The best place to for that is Angellino's, in Wethersfield, where a typical dinner portion will last even a porker like myself for two meals. My favorite is the potato gnocchi in aglio e olio (garlic-infused olive oil); tasty and fattening.
2. As an ugly person, you probably drink a lot to ease the pain of being a pariah and generally uglying Chicago all up. What is your favorite (dimly-lit) bar to get rejected in?
I don't drink a lot these days, since my repulsiveness is such that bar owners fend me off from their establishments with cattle prods. Back in the day, however, the watering hole was Mad Murphy's. By turn biker hangout, retro disco, and fern bar, at some in its incarnations it provided somthing for everyone (usually booze, which I partook of no matter if it were served by fat tattooed suicide blondes, pseudo-perky chicks in poodle skirts, or faux-sophiscated waitresses in pedal pushers and white dress shirts). I hear that people less disgusting than I even got laid by people that they picked up there!
3. Since you're ugly, you probably can't get any without paying for it. Where's the best place to pick up unparticular, bargain-priced whores?
Now, what makes you think I would know that? On the basis of personally-unverified information, though, if you hang out at Union Station, you'll notice that although the travellers are even more weary than usually, they have smiles than you wouldn't ordinarily expect to see. So I hear, of course; the fact that Mad Murphy's is across the street is pure coincidence.
4. Kindly post a picture of yourself. If you're too repulsive, you may opt to include an exhaustive (and colorful!) physical description instead, detailing skin maladies, dental problems, hygiene issues, etc.
My icon isn't toxic enough for you?